Loving By Leaving

Another Sunday story that is not part of my own experience.......

but somehow it is.

Dear Jack,

If you’re reading this, I’m sorry. I’m gone by now and I’m so sorry. It just came to that point. I don’t belong here. We both know it.

I love you. I love you so much Jack. But it’s just not working right now. Mostly because I’m not working right now. I’m just not, but you’re too good a man to admit it, so you forgive my short temper and deep sadness and all the rest of my failings. It’s become too much though. I have to leave before you grow to dislike me. I couldn’t stand that.

I don’t know how long I’ll be. I have a lot to do. I’ve been doing it for years, I know, but apparently it didn’t take. I’ll try harder this time though. I’ll tell the truth, mostly to myself, but to whoever needs the truth so they can help me. I really want help. I don’t understand why everything is so hard for me. I don’t understand why I want to scream all the time.

I hope you’ll wait for me Jack. Maybe I don’t deserve that, but I hope you will. I don’t want to lose you and that’s why I’m leaving. If I stay I’ll lose you. If I leave, maybe I won’t.

And know that every minute I’m gone you’ll be with me and I will be loving you. I will be loving you by leaving.

That’s what I’m doing Jack. Loving you by leaving.

Love,

Mom

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